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Post by thefullback on Sept 21, 2007 15:31:22 GMT
Robbie, Kylie and Elton have had a blinding night clubbing. On their way home Kylie stumbles and gets her head stuck in the railings. Siezing the moment Robbie whips down her knickers and gives her a good seeing to. He turns to Elton and says "here, your turn" at which Elton bursts into tears. "whats up " says Robbie. "I can't get my head in the railings" says Elton.
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 22, 2007 22:46:03 GMT
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change you hair style...it makes your nose look too long."
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jcasper
Academy Graduate
[M:100]
Posts: 192
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Post by jcasper on Sept 25, 2007 19:25:20 GMT
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love"
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery . I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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jcasper
Academy Graduate
[M:100]
Posts: 192
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Post by jcasper on Sept 25, 2007 19:27:25 GMT
A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f!$@!! bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f!$@!! beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 26, 2007 15:27:48 GMT
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Post by Rachael <3 on Sept 27, 2007 9:36:16 GMT
this p.e techer comes in2 a school in newcastle and asks the kids who's a mag. they all shoot they're hands up other then 1 girl. what about you pet she says. i'm a sunderland the girl reply.s " how conme?" well we live in seham and my parents are sunderland fans.so then the techer says well what if you're mam was a prostitute and your dad a drug dealer? the girls says well then i'd be a middlesbroguh fan instead...
lmoaoooooo class
other 1
newcastle were thinking of changing there sponsor to spillers due to the northern rock stuff until they realised they would have 2 have windalot on thier shirttts
haha get em?
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 27, 2007 10:03:23 GMT
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room wasfilled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION...AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 27, 2007 16:02:49 GMT
A very old lady goes into her doctors and sits in the waiting room secretly embarrassed. She eventually goes through to the doctor.
"Now Mrs McLetchie, what can I do for you?"
"Oh doctor!" she exclaims, turning bright red, "you won't be aware of it, but I have a terrible wind problem. To be crude and to the point, I fart all the time. In fact I have done about twenty in this surgery so far, no-one notices because they don't smell, and they are too quiet to hear, but I know I am doing it. In fact I have done about three so far, just in the time I have been speaking to you."
"I see," said the doctor and wrote out a prescription and instructed the lady to take the pills three times a day and to come in and see him the following day.
She comes in as instructed, but now acutely embarrassed!
"Doctor! I don't know what those pills you gave me were but they haven't helped, they've made things worse, I am still farting but this time they stink to high heavens!"
"Okay," says the doctor, "that's your sinuses fixed
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Post by stealth1039 on Sept 30, 2007 20:04:08 GMT
A man was contemplating committing suicide so he rung The Samaritans & duly got through to the call centre based in Pakistan. "I'm thinking of committing suicide" he told the operator.
"Hang on, we'll send someone over with a bomb straight away".
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 1, 2007 1:38:34 GMT
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 1, 2007 1:41:03 GMT
Michael Mullens was in court for non payment of maintenance to his ex wife. The judge decided to increase his wife's allowance. So he told Michael I have decided to increase this allowance and give your wife 50 Pounds per week. Michael replied "you're a gentleman sir, and I might even send her a few bob myself.
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Post by stealth1039 on Oct 1, 2007 15:28:41 GMT
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The I-TIT will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.
This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 2, 2007 0:48:40 GMT
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen for something to eat, please do not eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised that they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "Your'e all working very hard and I'm very satisfied with you, However, one of our secretaries has disappeared, do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "no."
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything! But nooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 2, 2007 2:41:48 GMT
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat". "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
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Post by stealth1039 on Oct 2, 2007 11:35:58 GMT
Liked the cannibal one Otto - have a goal.
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 2, 2007 13:12:46 GMT
Liked the cannibal one Otto - have a goal. Cheers mate...this one made me wee myself,,, An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man really gets into monkey'sing this guy's wife so he works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. Stubborn to the end, the husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him, triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a monkey'sing towel!"
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 2, 2007 13:44:29 GMT
Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money, Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.
The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night.
Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen. "Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.
"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.
"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
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Post by stubear on Oct 9, 2007 14:22:15 GMT
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...
Officer: May I see your driver's licence? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth Drink Driving Offence. Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: You have a gun in there? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the boot. Officer: There's a BODY in the boot?!?
The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your licence? Driver: Sure, Officer. Captain: Hmm, this licence is just fine. Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.
Captain: Would you mind if we opened the boot? I was told you said there's a body in there. Driver: No problem.
The boot is opened, nothing in there but a spare tyre.
Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 9, 2007 15:16:56 GMT
Hee Hee,yes,very funny and very clever...have a goal.
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Post by stealth1039 on Oct 9, 2007 17:00:58 GMT
I like that too, very clever - have one from me Stu.
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 9, 2007 19:17:31 GMT
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector: ‘First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.’
‘Second body: ‘Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’
The Inspector asked, ‘What of the third body?’ ‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘This is the most unusual one. Patrick Murphy, 30, struck by lightning.’ ‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector. ‘Thought he was having his picture taken.’
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 9, 2007 19:30:59 GMT
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by his dog and his cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the fire fighter says with admiration. ‘Thanks’ the boy says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to his dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. ‘Little Partner’, the fire fighter says, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar too, I think you could go faster’ The little boy replies thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’
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Post by Tyler on Oct 9, 2007 19:34:20 GMT
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 9, 2007 19:52:10 GMT
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning,the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North." "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything! AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT,DIDN'T YOU? ?
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 9, 2007 21:24:05 GMT
Save the whales. Collect the whole set A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember half the people you know are below average. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far so good. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don’t expect it back. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
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Post by stealth1039 on Oct 9, 2007 23:49:21 GMT
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning,the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North." "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything! AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT,DIDN'T YOU? ? That's brilliant Otto - the best of many so far. Must have a goal for that.
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 9, 2007 23:53:39 GMT
Stealth.....I just fell out of my chair when I found this.... I am that mouse!!! Cheers for the goal...
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 10, 2007 0:20:46 GMT
A turkey was chatting with a bull."I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey said and sighed. "But I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullpoo might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Post by stubear on Oct 10, 2007 13:53:00 GMT
Two builders (Fred & Barney) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit".
Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant." Barney: "No way he's a stockbroker." Fred: "he ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument continues itself for some time until the volume of beer consumed gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several schooners get the better of the builder...
Fred: "Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?" Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Doctor of Logical Science by profession." Fred: "Oh! What's that then?" Suit: "I'll try and explain by example...Tell me, do you have a goldfish at home?" Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens." Suit: Well, it's logical for me to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?" Fred: "It's in a pond!" Suit: "Well then it's reasonable for me to suppose that you have a reasonably large garden then?" Fred: "Well as it happens, yes I have got a big garden!" Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?" Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!" Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house, it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?" Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!" Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?" Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!" Suit: "Well then it's logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?" Fred: "Me? Never!" Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!" Fred: "How's that then?" Suit: "Well from finding out that you have a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life! Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"
Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Barney: "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask what he does?" Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!" Barney: "What's that then?" Fred: "I'll try and explain. Let me see now.....Do you have a goldfish?" Barney: "Nope" Fred: "Well there you have it then, you're a wanker!"
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Post by stealth1039 on Oct 11, 2007 9:00:44 GMT
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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