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Post by Mark Cunningham on Jul 5, 2007 15:38:40 GMT
Ok i'll start us off..... A guy is in hospital for a brain transplant. A doctor walks in and says: 'hi, we have 3 brains on offer, an Englishman's brain, which costs £500,000, an Scotsman's brain, which costs £500,000 and an Irishman's brain, which costs £10 million.' The patient says, '£10 million!?!?!? Why on earth does the Irishman's brain cost so much more than for other two?' The doctor replies, ' Because it's never been used before'.
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Post by True Blue on Jul 5, 2007 15:53:09 GMT
Apparently Liverpool airport has been closed due to a suspicius vehicle lurking outside.
Rumour has it this vehicle has 4 wheels, tax disk and is fully insured
Boom ;D
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Post by arover on Jul 5, 2007 15:55:50 GMT
What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The accused!
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Post by Wolvensam on Jul 5, 2007 16:37:39 GMT
15. Q: What tea do footballers drink? A. PenalTea! BUH-DUM-TISH!
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Boycie
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Post by Boycie on Jul 6, 2007 3:02:14 GMT
A young Chinese couple get married and neither of them have had any sexual experiences before,although the groom wont admit it.
So on their wedding night the groom asks his bride what she would like.
Well,she said, a friend of mine said I should start with a 69.
O, said the husband, you mean sweet and sour chicken with rice and noodles.
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Post by TheCoolness on Jul 6, 2007 8:38:09 GMT
Q: What happens when you eat baking powder with polish? A: you rise and shine.
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Post by TheCoolness on Jul 6, 2007 8:51:23 GMT
Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal
These are questions actually posed by lawyers to witnesses during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
ANSWERED QUESTIONS: (NOT SAME TRIAL) Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."
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Boycie
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Post by Boycie on Jul 6, 2007 12:58:46 GMT
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?" Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ): "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too f--- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
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Post by Wolvensam on Jul 6, 2007 15:11:48 GMT
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
With jam in.
BUH-DUM-TISH!
Stay tuned tomorrow for Sam's worst joke of the day. ;D
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Post by SaintTim on Jul 6, 2007 15:31:04 GMT
SOUTHAMPTON BOARD ROOM
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Post by Tyler on Jul 6, 2007 17:54:58 GMT
What did Bob Marley sing when his wife left him and took the TV?
No woman no sky
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Bit of a bad one here.Don't be offended please
Police have today ruled out the possibility of the car in glasgow airport being a terrorist attack.
They say Richard Hammond was late for a flight
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Post by ref on Jul 6, 2007 22:38:13 GMT
lol nah i see they caught the driver of the jeep in the attack on glasgow airport his name was singed majeep.................ok ill get my coat
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Boycie
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Post by Boycie on Jul 7, 2007 2:17:22 GMT
The local convent hired a mini bus for a Sunday afternoon outing.On a steep incline the bus rolled and three nuns were killed.
The three nuns rock up to the pearly gates and Pete is waiting there for them.
Right he say`s,before I can let you in I have to ask each of you a question. If you answer correctly you may enter in.
The first nun steps forward and Pete asks"what was the name of the first man?
Adam replied the nun..Correcto mondo says Pete,you may enter.
Second nun steps forward, right says pete what was the name of the first woman? Eve says the nun. Correct says Pete you also can enter.
Up steps the third nun. "ah says Pete,as you are the mother superior your question will be a tad more difficult.
What did eve say when she first saw Adam naked...
Gosh said mother S...That`s a hard one.
Correct, says Pete, enter within.
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Boycie
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Post by Boycie on Jul 9, 2007 11:49:46 GMT
A woman walks into an Alabama accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
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Post by SaintTim on Jul 9, 2007 11:51:05 GMT
like it
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Boycie
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Post by Boycie on Jul 9, 2007 11:51:09 GMT
How does Bob Marley like his donuts? With jam in. BUH-DUM-TISH! Stay tuned tomorrow for Sam's worst joke of the day. ;D Still waiting!!!!
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Post by JoeLatics on Jul 9, 2007 16:36:40 GMT
Where do nuns shop? The Virgin Megastore!
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Boycie
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Post by Boycie on Jul 11, 2007 11:42:15 GMT
> >> > >> > >> > >> > >>A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied > >>by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, > >>the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about > >>thoroughbred horses. > >> > >>When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was > >>decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would > >>go with the other. > >> > >>The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room > >>when one of the boys came out and told her that >none of them could > >>reach the urinal. > >> > >>Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their > >>pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto > >>their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. > >> > >>As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was > >>unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, > >>the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." > >> > >> > >>HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race >
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Boycie
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Post by Boycie on Jul 13, 2007 4:45:34 GMT
> >> > >> > >> > >> > >>While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over > >>a bridge > >>only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in > >>wait. The cop > >>pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic > >>patronizing smirk > >>we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" > >> > >>To which she replied, "I'm late for work." > >> > >>"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?" > >> > >>"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. > >> > >>The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum >stretcher? And just what does > >>a rectum > >>stretcher do?" > >> > >>"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my > >>way up to > >>two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I > >>work from > >>side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but > >>surely > >>stretch it, until > >>it's about 6 feet wide." > >> > >>"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked > >> > >>"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." > >>
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Post by ref on Jul 23, 2007 7:06:27 GMT
Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
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Boycie
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Post by Boycie on Jul 24, 2007 7:32:05 GMT
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask >>>>over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a >>>>difficult, >>>>four hour, surgical procedure. >>>> >>>>A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge >>>>bath. >>>>"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles >>>>black?" >>>>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm >>>>only here to wash your upper body and feet." >>>> >>>>He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" >>>>Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from >>>>worry >>>>about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly >>>>pulls >>>>back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and >>>>his >>>>testicles in the other. >>>> >>>>Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, >>>>Sir!" >>>> >>>> >>>>The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, >>>>"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very >>>>closely...... >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>>A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
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Post by Tyler on Jul 24, 2007 14:10:13 GMT
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Post by damo149 on Jul 24, 2007 14:12:01 GMT
Thats a Jethro joke!!!!
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 24, 2007 14:42:14 GMT
What do you say to a geordie at work?
I'll have a big mac and fries please.
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 24, 2007 14:42:58 GMT
Why do geordies travel in pairs?
One can read the other can write.
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Post by ref on Jul 24, 2007 16:55:57 GMT
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days. Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look what I've made."
Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people". God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America . North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe , "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland , the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whisky which means "The Water of Life". The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.
Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said: "I thought you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the shower of bastards I'm putting next to them!" ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Tyler on Jul 24, 2007 19:50:07 GMT
Even though i'm English i found myself laughing at that?
He must've meant Wales
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Post by ref on Jul 25, 2007 8:20:53 GMT
lol at wales
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Boycie
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Post by Boycie on Aug 4, 2007 9:54:49 GMT
> >> >>>>>> A man was lying on a blanket at the beach. > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>> He had no arms or legs. > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug" > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>The man said "No", > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>so she gave him a hug and walked on. > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss". > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>The man said "No", > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>so she gave him a kiss and walked on. > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in >his > > > >> >>>>>>ear, > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>Have you ever been F****d? > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No" > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>The woman smiled and said .... > > > >> >>>>>> > > > >> >>>>>>"You will be when the tide comes in." > > > >> > > > >>
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Post by bigdipper on Aug 4, 2007 15:15:17 GMT
A really old couple went into Mcdonalds and the man ordered a small portion of chips and two sausages and an emty plate. He then started to divide the meal into two, some for him and some for his wife. Seeing this the waitress, feeling sorry for the couple offered to buy them another portion. The man refused her kind offer and explained they had shared for a number of years. After a while the waitress noticed that while the man was enjoying his meal, his wife sat in silence looking on longingly, watching her husband eat.Feeling sorry for the couple and not able to contain herself any longer the waitress aproached them and said to the man, excuse me sir but why is your wife not eating what is she waiting for.The teeth he replied
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