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Post by Stealth on May 4, 2010 12:49:34 GMT
LOL!
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Post by Bismarck on May 6, 2010 13:15:37 GMT
George Clooney is set to star in a Movie about Gary Glitters life.It's called' Oh-she's eleven'......
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Post by Stealth on Jul 12, 2010 19:58:44 GMT
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !' Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled... 'For monkey's's sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!!'
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 12, 2010 20:17:58 GMT
I tried to give Raul Moat a lesson in gun safety but it was in one ear and out the other
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 13, 2010 1:31:32 GMT
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
"Idiot!" The Taliban shouted, " I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that dune to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill..................................…
Several hours later he staggered back. "Your f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie."
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fatmanstokie
Subs Bench
[M:25]
handle each situation like a dog.... if you can't eat it, or hump it, wee on it and walk away
Posts: 793
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Post by fatmanstokie on Jul 13, 2010 13:19:12 GMT
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !' Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' One Irish passenger yelled... 'For monkey's's sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!!' hahaha i nearlly weeed meself laughing
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fatmanstokie
Subs Bench
[M:25]
handle each situation like a dog.... if you can't eat it, or hump it, wee on it and walk away
Posts: 793
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Post by fatmanstokie on Jul 13, 2010 13:19:40 GMT
I tried to give Raul Moat a lesson in gun safety but it was in one ear and out the other isnt it ironic, that his name is moat and he dies by a lake??
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Post by Stealth on Jul 16, 2010 12:34:53 GMT
Would have been more ironic if he could have killed himself with a water pistol!
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jcasper
Academy Graduate
[M:100]
Posts: 192
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Post by jcasper on Aug 21, 2010 15:08:14 GMT
Little girl lost in Asda in Sheffield......
Security guard says.. " What's your mum like? "
the little girl replies.. " Big c*cks and bacardi breezers! "
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Post by Stealth on Sept 8, 2010 17:44:00 GMT
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder. However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
(Apologies to Otto!).
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fatmanstokie
Subs Bench
[M:25]
handle each situation like a dog.... if you can't eat it, or hump it, wee on it and walk away
Posts: 793
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Post by fatmanstokie on Sept 8, 2010 20:44:54 GMT
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder. However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first. (Apologies to Otto!). it been a while when i nearly choked when laughing
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jcasper
Academy Graduate
[M:100]
Posts: 192
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Post by jcasper on Sept 30, 2010 8:53:53 GMT
Michael and Larry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I thin...k?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Larry up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are MIchael and Larry up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'
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jcasper
Academy Graduate
[M:100]
Posts: 192
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Post by jcasper on Sept 30, 2010 9:05:11 GMT
The priest in a small village loved the rooster and the ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
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Post by Stealth on Oct 20, 2010 15:25:00 GMT
The other day I needed to go to A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the A & E I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service. It also works at the DSS. It saved me 5 hours. At the Launderette, three minutes after entering I had my choice of any machine, most still running. Don't try it at McDonald's though..... All the staff left and l never got my order...
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