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Post by Mark Cunningham on Sept 12, 2007 18:48:43 GMT
Two reception children, Sammy & Robert were playing in the sand pit in their school brake. Their teacher, when they came in from their break, asked them what they had done today in their break. Robert said ‘I played in the sand pit with Sammy.’ The teacher said, `If you can spell sand as-in sandpit, you can have this box of cookies.’ Robert spelt sand and got the box of cookies. Sammy told the teacher `I played with Robert in the sandpit.’ The teacher said `If you can spell pit, as-in sand pit, you can have a box of cookies. Sammy spelt pit and got a box of cookies. Next, Muhammed walked in and the teacher said `What did you do in your break Muhammed?’ Muhammed said. `Well I wanted to play in the sandpit but Sammy & Robert wouldn’t let me.’ The teacher said, `Aww. If you can spell unnecessary racial discrimination, I will give you half of this cookie.’
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 12, 2007 20:08:21 GMT
A man goes into a bar and the barman greets him most civily with: "Good evening sir, and what will you have."
"That's very good of you, I'll have a whisky." replies the man.
The barman pours the drink and then says, "There you go sir, that will two pounds."
"I beg your pardon, sir," replies the man, "but I don't owe you for this!"
The barman just stared, mystified, until a lawyer who happened to be sitting at the end of the bar bursts out laughing.
"He is perfectly correct, I am afraid. When you asked him what he wanted, in this contract you made, you made no implication that the drink he desired was in any way other than an offer of a gift. If he took you to court, I reckon he'd have a case"
The barman was upset, but very impressed with the sagacity of the man so he said, "Well, you got me there, have the drink on me for being so clever. But, after this, YOU'RE BARRED!"
Next day the man returns to the bar and the barman says, "Hey, you, I barred you yesterday, now get out."
"I beg your pardon!" responds the man, "this is the first time I have ever set foot in these premises."
"Oh, I am sorry" replies the barman, "I think you must have a double."
"Thank you very much," the man responds, "Make it a whisky.
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Post by thefullback on Sept 13, 2007 6:47:24 GMT
There's a new position in the Karma Sutra book. It's called "The Plumber" You both stay in all day and nobody cums
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 13, 2007 13:53:51 GMT
There's a new position in the Karma Sutra book. It's called "The Plumber" You both stay in all day and nobody cums Oh oh oh....I'm avin it!It's goal time.
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 15, 2007 1:51:08 GMT
A bloke goes into the chemist and asks for some KY Jelly, the assistant says "I'm sorry sir, we're out of stock, why don't you try boots?"...the bloke says "Boots! I wanna slide in not monkey'sin' march in!"
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Post by Tyler on Sept 15, 2007 8:13:42 GMT
A man goes into a bar and the barman greets him most civily with: "Good evening sir, and what will you have." "That's very good of you, I'll have a whisky." replies the man. The barman pours the drink and then says, "There you go sir, that will two pounds." "I beg your pardon, sir," replies the man, "but I don't owe you for this!" The barman just stared, mystified, until a lawyer who happened to be sitting at the end of the bar bursts out laughing. "He is perfectly correct, I am afraid. When you asked him what he wanted, in this contract you made, you made no implication that the drink he desired was in any way other than an offer of a gift. If he took you to court, I reckon he'd have a case" The barman was upset, but very impressed with the sagacity of the man so he said, "Well, you got me there, have the drink on me for being so clever. But, after this, YOU'RE BARRED!" Next day the man returns to the bar and the barman says, "Hey, you, I barred you yesterday, now get out." "I beg your pardon!" responds the man, "this is the first time I have ever set foot in these premises." "Oh, I am sorry" replies the barman, "I think you must have a double." "Thank you very much," the man responds, "Make it a whisky. have a goal
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Post by stealth1039 on Sept 15, 2007 13:23:55 GMT
A bloke goes into the chemist and asks for some KY Jelly, the assistant says "I'm sorry sir, we're out of stock, why don't you try boots?"...the bloke says "Boots! I wanna slide in not monkey'sin' march in!" That can't be the German side of you talking!
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Post by stealth1039 on Sept 15, 2007 13:33:32 GMT
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. Change is inevitable - except from vending machines. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
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Post by stealth1039 on Sept 15, 2007 15:47:23 GMT
West Yorkshire police are looking for a racist attacker.
I rang the information line but apparently it's not a job offer.
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 15, 2007 18:41:34 GMT
A bloke goes into the chemist and asks for some KY Jelly, the assistant says "I'm sorry sir, we're out of stock, why don't you try boots?"...the bloke says "Boots! I wanna slide in not monkey'sin' march in!" That can't be the German side of you talking! Oh yes,these at my Grandad's...
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Post by stubear on Sept 17, 2007 22:44:42 GMT
George Bush has a heart attack, dies, and goes to hell where he’s confronted by the devil. “I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You’re on my list… but I don’t have any room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m gonna to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you, I’ll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide (since you are, afterall, the DECIDER) who leaves.
George thought the deal sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened a door to the first room, in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the next room, in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In that room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms over his head, and his legs spread in an eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and, finally, said “Yeah, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go!”
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 18, 2007 11:43:42 GMT
Took the dog into the shop last week and the bloke behind the counter says you cant fetch that in here only guide dogs are allowed in here I said it is a guide dog he said I thought guide dogs were labradors and I said why what have they given me
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Post by stealth1039 on Sept 18, 2007 18:08:43 GMT
A blind man went in to a dept store & started swinging his guide dog around his head on the end of it's lead.
Security rushed over & said "What do you think you're doing"
"Just having a look around" he said.
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Post by thefullback on Sept 19, 2007 8:24:43 GMT
A bloke walks into a night club and says to a dolly bird "Hi my name's Bond" she replies "Oh yeah and I bet your first name is James" "No " he says "It's Uni and I've come to fill your crack"
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Post by thefullback on Sept 19, 2007 8:29:08 GMT
Osama Bin Laden was arrested in Wales yesterday, sheep shagging, when questioned by the police he said they were Islambs and he could do what the monkey's he liked with them.
Reported in the Middle Sontley Gazette. (anywhere near Middle Earth?)
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Post by thefullback on Sept 20, 2007 6:42:51 GMT
Two Irish couples agree to swap partners for the night. After three hours of amazing sex Paddy says to Murphy "I wonder how the girls are getting on?"
Two homosexuals in the changing rooms and one looks down to see a nicotine patch on his mates penis. "Does it work ?" he says. "Oh yes, I'm down to two puffs a day now"
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 20, 2007 6:58:06 GMT
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.
At his funeral his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic and fitting tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity the man sitting next to him asked, "Excuse me but why are you laughing?"
I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
I'm a gynecologist ! "
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Post by stubear on Sept 20, 2007 16:00:08 GMT
A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz. Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go f**k herself .
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Post by stubear on Sept 20, 2007 16:04:01 GMT
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the ***** wall!"
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Post by stubear on Sept 20, 2007 16:10:32 GMT
Last one for today........ ;D
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're name's on the team sheet and you're playing on Tuesday."
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 20, 2007 16:19:36 GMT
There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine.
The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.
The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in Vaselinel.
When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said,
"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming out of your ass by now?"
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Post by stubear on Sept 20, 2007 16:23:06 GMT
Nice one.....Heres a goal.......
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Post by Wolvensam on Sept 20, 2007 16:24:03 GMT
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Post by Wolvensam on Sept 20, 2007 16:26:19 GMT
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
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Post by Wolvensam on Sept 20, 2007 16:28:02 GMT
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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Post by stubear on Sept 20, 2007 16:30:05 GMT
Pmsl. got to add this one after yours Sam....... A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" The girl says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," the doctor says. "You have a broken finger."
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Post by Wolvensam on Sept 20, 2007 16:32:32 GMT
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 20, 2007 18:34:42 GMT
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over. 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary 8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? And when you are asked Whatever you say will be used in evidence against you....your next sentence is..."Please don't hit me again officer" (Bernard Manning RIP)
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Post by Tyler on Sept 20, 2007 18:53:40 GMT
An Australian woman goes to the police claiming she'd been raped.
"What was the alleged rapist wearing"asked the police officer
"he was wearing a helmet and whites"She replied
"Must be a cricketer"Says the policeman
"It was an English cricketer"she says
"How do you know he was English?"Asks the copper
"He didn't stay in for very long"She says
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 21, 2007 12:23:19 GMT
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: "I think I can get you out." So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'dick' and pull yourself up." The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks
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