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Post by Wolvensam on Aug 5, 2007 11:51:27 GMT
How does Bob Marley like his donuts? With jam in. BUH-DUM-TISH! Stay tuned tomorrow for Sam's worst joke of the day. ;D Still waiting!!!! What did the cow say to the duck? "Mate, you drive me absolutely QUACKERS"
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Post by nuneatonskyblue on Aug 5, 2007 12:07:32 GMT
o dear sam where are you getting these from?!?!?!?
There was a cov fan who drove a van around the country for Fed-ex. He hated villa fans and if he ever saw one he would drive up onto the path and swerve away back onto the road at the last minute. One day he was working in Birmingham and as he was driving through the city he saw a vicar walking down the road, so he thought he would do his good deed for the day and give the vicar a lift. So he pulled over and said to the vicar, "hello father where are you going? ill give you a lift if you like."
"i am going to my church and i would like to accept your offer." said the vicar
opening the van door the driver said "well get in father and we will have you there in no time."
As they were going down the road the van driver saw a villa fan on the path, so he went about he usualy tricks and swerved onto the path, suddenly realising the vicar was in the passenger seat he swerved back onto the road. But he heard a thud, he looked into his mirros knowing he hadn't hit the villa fan and saw nothing. He truned to the vicar and said "forgive me father i don't know what came over me."
the vicar replied "don't worry son i got the bastard with the door"
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 8, 2007 22:55:36 GMT
Liverpool's 2 new signings.A Japanese lad and one from Italy.Benitez says they should fit in well with Liverpool's style.Their names are Nikamotor and Robatelli
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Post by hallmackem on Aug 9, 2007 12:01:40 GMT
Liverpool's 2 new signings.A Japanese lad and one from Italy.Benitez says they should fit in well with Liverpool's style.Their names are Nikamotor and Robatelli HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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Post by stealth1039 on Aug 13, 2007 20:02:00 GMT
A little boy was in a field firing his catapult when a vicar was walking by. The boy missed his target and said "poo, I missed."
So the vicar says "You shouldn't be using language like that. Stop it."
So the boy tries again & misses "Bloody Hell, I missed."
The vicar says "I've told you once - stop using bad language or I'll pray to God to send down a thunderbolt & strike you dead."
The little boy lets fly again, misses and says "Bollocks, I missed."
The vicar gets down on his knees & prays to God to strike this sinful child dead &, sure enough, a huge thunderbolt comes from the sky but hits the vicar and a huge voice says "F!*K it, I missed!"
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Post by Wolvensam on Aug 18, 2007 10:07:32 GMT
Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford? A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury. Q: What do you call a Leeds fan with many girlfriends? A: A Shepherd
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Post by Wolvensam on Aug 18, 2007 10:10:26 GMT
Did you hear about the Albion fan who got a job on a building site? Before he could start, he had to pass an intelligence test, so he was given 10 minutes to come up with a sentence that contained the word fascinate. At first he looks perplexed, but eventually he stands up and says 'I've got it!! This coat of mine has got 10 buttons, but I can only fasten eight!!' A bloke visits his mate,whose dog has just given birth to pups."Who do these support then?", he asks."The Albion", his mate replies.A few weeks later he again visits his mate."Who do they support now?", he asks."The Wolves", his mate answers,"They've opened their eyes now."
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skybluefan
Reserves Player
On the first day God created Coventry City. The next day God f**ked it up and created Aston Villa
Posts: 225
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Post by skybluefan on Aug 18, 2007 10:13:15 GMT
Lol Three football supporters found a lamp after a night on the town. They polished it and a Genie appeared. The Genie said "You will each have one wish - but everything you wish for, the other two will receive twofold. The Leicester supporter said "I would like ten million quid please" Lo! and behold he got his 10 million, but the other two got 20 million each. The Villa supporter said "I would like 50 beautiful young virgins. Lo! and behold he got his lovelies, but the other two got 100 each. The Coventry supporter thought long and hard before making his wish : "I would like one testicle removing please" he asked with a smile!
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Post by Wolvensam on Aug 18, 2007 10:15:22 GMT
If Premiership teams were women.. (these are quite old, so)
Arsenal - Angelina Jolie Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really screw you over
Aston Villa - Dido One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really
Birmingham City - Mariah Carey Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick
Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.
Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia Always looks like she might go down but never does
Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises
Chelsea - Rachel Stevens Every bit looks good from all angles. But what is she doing with that prick
Everton - Barbara Windsor Been laughing at those t*ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good
Fulham - Andrea Corr Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame
Leicester City - Patsy Palmer Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her
Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee Dirty Lee
Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work when put together.
Man City - Madonna Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though
Man United - Jordan Dominated by t*ts. Screwed by Dwight Yorke. Quite repulsive really
Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.
Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.
Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's going to do next
Southampton - Kylie Minogue Sometimes you feel sorry for them, they’re not huge and you've got a bit of a soft spot.
Tottenham - Joan Collins Used to look good, but living on past glories.
West Ham - Britney Spears Been threatening to go down for the last few years, but finally did it this year.
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Post by Wolvensam on Aug 18, 2007 10:18:14 GMT
This Albion fan was at Wolverhampton university, and a professor stopped him because he was, understandingly, looking lost. 'What do you teach?' asked the Baggie. 'I teach logical thinking', said the professor. Looking a bit confused, the Baggie asked him what he meant. 'I'll explain. Do you have a garden shed?' asked the professor. 'Yes', came the reply. 'So thinking logically, if you have a garden shed, you probably have a garden and a house'. 'Yes' said the Baggie. And if you've got a house, the chances are you have a mortgage, and live in your house with your wife'. 'Yes', he said again. And if you have a wife, you probably enjoy a normal sex-life, and don't masturbate anymore'. That's right', said the Albion fan. 'That is the way the logical thinking process works', says the professor, and walks off. The Albion fan is really impressed with this, and heads straight to The Woodman to share his new found skills with his mates. He stops his mate in the pub and says, 'Dave, have you got a garden shed?' Dave replies, 'No, I haven't, why?' The Albion fan rolls his eyes and shouts 'You Wa*ker!!'
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skybluefan
Reserves Player
On the first day God created Coventry City. The next day God f**ked it up and created Aston Villa
Posts: 225
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Post by skybluefan on Aug 18, 2007 10:19:06 GMT
Johnny at school. The English teacher told her 11 year olds that she was going to do an oral english test on Monday which would involve using the word Contagious. She told the kids to find out what it mean't and to put it in a sentance. Monday came and the teacher asked if they had remembered what was expected. They all said yes, frantically putting their hands in the air. "Ok Susan" said the teacher" "what is your sentance" "well miss" "Susan replied" " When I go on holiday to Japan I will have to have and injection to stop me catching anything contagious" "excellent" said the teacher. "Ok Johnny" "what is your sentance" "well miss, me and my dad were looking out the bedroom window at the weekend and saw the next door neigbour painting his fence" "My dad said that if he did'nt get a bigger brush, it would take the contagious" Going out. Back soon
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Post by Wolvensam on Aug 18, 2007 10:21:55 GMT
Nice one See you in a bit! Two Blokes, one a City fan, one a Villa fan are sitting in the pub on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm. In comes a dog, walks up to the Villa fan and barks twice. "Oh no, Villa lost again" he says. "How do you know?" asks the City fan. "Well, when my dog comes in and barks twice I know Villa have lost." The other bloke is a bit sceptical but on checking the teletext finds that Villa had indeed been beaten.. The next week the same two blokes are sitting in the pub when the dog comes in and barks twice. "Oh no, Villa lost again!" On checking, another defeat this weekend. The City fan says "That's a pretty amazing dog you have, what does he do when Villa win?" The Villa fan replies "I don't know, I've only had him a since Xmas!"
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skybluefan
Reserves Player
On the first day God created Coventry City. The next day God f**ked it up and created Aston Villa
Posts: 225
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Post by skybluefan on Aug 18, 2007 11:19:18 GMT
There was once a man who was born with three Test*cles He made quite a few quid over the years on wagers and side shows and that sort of thing. One night he was standing at the urinal in his local pub when he turned to the bloke standing next to him and said, " bet you twenty five quid wev'e got five balls between us" the man gladly accepted the bet, promptly dropped his trousers and said right..now show me your four.
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skybluefan
Reserves Player
On the first day God created Coventry City. The next day God f**ked it up and created Aston Villa
Posts: 225
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Post by skybluefan on Aug 18, 2007 11:50:30 GMT
Another one A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says to his wife, ' this is the pig I have to sh*g when youre not up for sex' His wife replies, ' I think you will find that is a sheep' He says, ' I think you will find i was talking to the sheep'
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 22, 2007 1:19:01 GMT
Four German dwarfs went to Amsterdam to the red light district and hired a 6ft prossie.They took her back to their hotel and stripped off,tied springs to their shoes and gave her the best s**g she had ever had.She asked them what it was called and they replied...."Four Sprung Dwarf Technique"
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 22, 2007 1:25:35 GMT
Dr David had slept with one of this patients and felt really guilty.No matter how he tried,his sense of betrayal was overwhelming.Now and then he would hear and internal voice saying "Don't worry Dave you are not the first Dr to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last,your single so just let it go...."But sometimes this voice would bring him back to reality whispering......"Dave,your a F**king Vet!"
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 22, 2007 1:30:33 GMT
What kind of wife can wash up with one hand,cook tea with the other,dust with one foot while performing oral sex on you as she opens a bottle of beer with her arse........Answer-A Swiss Army Wife!!!
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Post by hallmackem on Aug 22, 2007 7:26:13 GMT
What kind of wife can wash up with one hand,cook tea with the other,dust with one foot while performing oral sex on you as she opens a bottle of beer with her arse........Answer-A Swiss Army Wife!!! Hahahahahaha
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Post by hallmackem on Aug 22, 2007 7:50:45 GMT
Four German dwarfs went to Amsterdam to the red light district and hired a 6ft prossie.They took her back to their hotel and stripped off,tied springs to their shoes and gave her the best s**g she had ever had.She asked them what it was called and they replied...."Four Sprung Dwarf Technique" Absolutley brilliant
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 22, 2007 19:41:32 GMT
Four German dwarfs went to Amsterdam to the red light district and hired a 6ft prossie.They took her back to their hotel and stripped off,tied springs to their shoes and gave her the best s**g she had ever had.She asked them what it was called and they replied...."Four Sprung Dwarf Technique" Absolutley brilliant Glad you like em.I'll keep em comin....
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Post by bigdipper on Aug 22, 2007 20:07:22 GMT
On the dwarf theme.------------ A lady dwarf went to the surgery and said to the dr, I,m getting a very sore fanny doctor, can you help. The doctor said " aaargh i can see the problem", and cut 3 inches off the tops of her wellies.
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 22, 2007 21:18:37 GMT
One for your mobiles... BBC news reports a wild,ugly,mental loony on the loose.£1,000,000 reward for his capture.You know I need the money.Where the f88k are you?
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 22, 2007 21:24:35 GMT
A gypsy wedding in Ireland ends in a riot.Police arrest 20 and they end up in court.The best man says to the judge "I can explain what happened.It's travellers tradition for the best man to have the first dance with the bride which I did.I was dancing very close.The groom runs in and kicks the bride in the fanny!" "Gosh" say the judge,"That must have been sore?" "Sore,yes judge it was.....he broke 3 of my fecking fingers!!!"
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 23, 2007 2:51:25 GMT
Jelly baby went to the doctors."I've got AIDS Doc" "Don't be stupid" the doctor said. "But I've slept with Allsorts" replied the Jelly Baby!
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 23, 2007 2:52:33 GMT
A GROUP OF MAN UTD FANS HAVE BEEN CAUGHT CLIMBING THE WALLS OF THE STADIUM AT THE RECENT CITY MATCH. THE POLICE CAUGHT THEM AND MADE THEM RETURN TO THEIR SEATS TO WATCH THE REST OF THE GAME.
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Post by gerry09 on Sept 4, 2007 12:22:01 GMT
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £180,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £180,000 mortgage & no bike.
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 4, 2007 13:58:08 GMT
Roger Moore says to Sean Connery at the 25th annual 007 reunion,"Hey Sean,I hear that the woman who played Pussy Galore in Goldfinger has split her fanny open" Connery replies "Honor Blackman?" "No",Moore says,"On a dildo!"
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Post by thefullback on Sept 12, 2007 9:48:13 GMT
I was driving my truck yesterday and needed to visit the toilet urgently. Not wanting to lose any time I used an empty coke tin but got pulled over by the plod. I've now been charged with being in possession of a cannawee.
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Post by Tyler on Sept 12, 2007 17:59:53 GMT
Have a goal for that.I just weeed myself laughing at that.But there were no coke cans in sight...
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Post by Bismarck on Sept 12, 2007 18:47:13 GMT
Holmes and Watson go camping. Lying there that night Holmes says "Watson what do you see?" Thinking it's a test Watson replies,I see the Stars Holmes and all of God's creation"."What else do you see?" said Holmes. weeed off Watson says... "As a Christian I see the stars and God's creation" "As a Scientist I see the stars and planets" "As a meterologist I see it's going to be a nice day tomorrow" "Why what do you see with your keen interlect Holmes?"
Holmes replies......"Elementary my dear Watson,someone's nicked the monkey'sing tent!!!"
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