|
Post by stealth1039 on Oct 11, 2007 9:05:44 GMT
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 11, 2007 10:03:47 GMT
A barman was astonished one day when a chimpanzee came into his bar ordered a beer and gave him a tenner.
Pretty smart thought the barman, but he'll have no idea of what money means and gives him a pound back in the change
"Don't get many chimps in here." says the barman conversationally (I mean, come on, what else would you say?)
"Not surprised" says the chimp quaffing his beer "at 9 pounds a pint it's no wonder."
|
|
|
Post by gerry09 on Oct 19, 2007 14:55:26 GMT
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
|
|
|
Post by stealth1039 on Oct 19, 2007 15:07:38 GMT
Coincidence!I was going to post that but I forgot the punchline!
|
|
|
Post by gerry09 on Oct 19, 2007 15:09:14 GMT
haha i beat someone at something
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 19, 2007 15:48:27 GMT
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely poo my pants".
|
|
|
Post by Rachael <3 on Oct 19, 2007 20:56:51 GMT
this p.e techer comes in2 a school in newcastle and asks the kids who's a mag. they all shoot they're hands up other then 1 girl. what about you pet she says. i'm a sunderland the girl reply.s " how conme?" well we live in seham and my parents are sunderland fans.so then the techer says well what if you're mam was a prostitute and your dad a drug dealer? the girls says well then i'd be a middlesbroguh fan instead... lmoaoooooo class other 1 newcastle were thinking of changing there sponsor to spillers due to the northern rock stuff until they realised they would have 2 have windalot on thier shirttts haha get em? thing is i can't say this one where i live otherwise i won't see tomorrow!
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 19, 2007 21:23:13 GMT
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 19, 2007 21:30:39 GMT
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
|
|
|
Post by stealth1039 on Oct 20, 2007 20:00:08 GMT
Like it, Otto!
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 21, 2007 23:50:44 GMT
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 21, 2007 23:53:04 GMT
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
|
|
|
Post by gerry09 on Oct 26, 2007 10:52:31 GMT
This got Australia laughing.
Read it and you'll see why...
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called "Mate Match".
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ:"Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM.
Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to IRELAND if you win.
What is your name?
First only please.
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously)
"Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you.
Now, what is your wife's name?
First only please.
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow!
You really want that trip, huh?
No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question.
Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up.
You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(Touchtones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM.
We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now.
He is on the line with us.
Brian knows not to give Any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?
Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.
Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to IRELAND for 7 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright.
When did you last have s*x, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question.
How long did it last?"
Sarah: "10, 12 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough.
I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood.
We've got one last question, Sarah.
You are one question away from a trip to IRELAND.
Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!!
You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "UP THE AR*E!!.."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
|
|
|
Post by hallmackem on Oct 26, 2007 13:50:23 GMT
Jose Mourinho, Arsene Wenger and Roy Keane are in heaven.
God tells them he has two seats available and they must tell him why they each deserve them.
Jose begins, "I am Jose Mourinho. I buy the best talent from overseas and showcase it in the Premiership. Plus i am the special one"
God tells him to take the seat to his left.
Arsene Wenger says, "I am Arsene Wenger and i use the youth system at Arsenal to develop and nurture young talent to create a world class team for virtually no money"
God goives him the seat to his right.
Roy Keane steps up. "I am Roy Keane and you god, are sitting in my seat"
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 26, 2007 16:06:38 GMT
Max, a lonely widow, was walking home along Broadway wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting at him: "Hey, you, Mister, why don't you come in and buy me?" Max rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Max by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Max stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "You speak English?" The parrot answered: "What did you think, Chinese?"
In a matter of moments, Max had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot, talking about his lonely life. The Parrot told him how lonely it was to live in a cage. They became good friends.
Next morning, Max, before he ate his breakfast, read aloud a page from the Bible. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Max explained, the parrot wanted also to read a page from the Bible. So Max went out and ordered a miniature Bible for the parrot.
On Sunday, Max went to his church and demanded that the parrot could come in and pray to. The Minister refused, saying a church was no place for a parrot. But Max insisted, saying that the parrot would pray out aloud, since he was a talking parrot. He would also sing hymns.
None of the worshippers believed Max, and they bet Max at even odds that the parrot could not say his prayers nor sing a hymn. Thousands of dollars were bet. During the services, the parrot perched on Max's shoulder and did not open his mouth. He neither prayed nor sang hymns. After the services were concluded, Max found that he owed his buddies over four thousand dollars.
He paid. He marched home, weeed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the church the bird began to recite the 23 psalm. Max stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? Haven't I been good to you? Is this how you repay me?"
"You really are a prick aren't you" the parrot replied. "Think of the odds next Sunday when you take me to church".
|
|
|
Post by Lukiebakercafc on Oct 26, 2007 19:14:28 GMT
Brilliant Tim, absolutely brilliant!!
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 26, 2007 21:32:30 GMT
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 26, 2007 21:33:13 GMT
Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 26, 2007 21:34:54 GMT
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
|
|
|
Post by likeasharkinafunnyhat on Oct 28, 2007 21:54:03 GMT
First class Bismark A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
|
|
|
Post by stealth1039 on Oct 29, 2007 18:18:59 GMT
Good one kipper!
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 29, 2007 18:38:58 GMT
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 29, 2007 18:42:31 GMT
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
|
|
|
Post by Lukiebakercafc on Oct 29, 2007 18:43:00 GMT
Nice one Bissy!
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 29, 2007 19:47:28 GMT
THERE'S MORE Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"
|
|
|
Post by stealth1039 on Oct 29, 2007 19:54:40 GMT
That's terrific Bismarck!
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 29, 2007 19:57:31 GMT
Hee Hee-did you miss me...
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, poo in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."
|
|
|
Post by Bismarck on Oct 29, 2007 19:59:31 GMT
There was a Wrexham fan with a really crappy seat at Racecourse. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the half way line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Wrexham fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
|
|
|
Post by tigertiger on Oct 29, 2007 21:05:12 GMT
a 1st grade teacher, ms. brooks, was having problems with one of her students. the teacher asked, "johnny, whats your problem?"
johnny answered, " i'm too smart for the 1st grade. my sister is in the 3rd grade and i'm smarter thank she is! i think i should be in the 3rd grade too!"
ms. brooks had had enough. she took johnny to the principals office.
while johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. the principal told ms brooks he would give the boy a test. if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. she agreed.
johnny was bought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
principal: "what is 3x3?"
johnny: "9."
principal: "what is 6x6?"
johnny: "36."
and so it went on with every questions the principal thought a 3rd grade student should know.
the principal looks at ms brooks and tells her, "i think johnny can go to 3rd grade."
ms brooks says to the principal,"let me ask him a few questions."
the principal and johnny both agreed.
ms brooks asks, "what does a cow have four of that i only have two of?"
johnny, after a moment: "legs"
ms brooks: "what is in your pants that you have that i do not have?"
johnny replied: "pockets."
ms brooks: "what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
johnny: "pants."
ms brooks: "what starts with a c, ends with a t, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
johnny:: "coconut."
the principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
ms brooks: "what goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
the principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, johnny replied, "bubble gum."
ms brooks: "what does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
johnny: "shake hands."
the principal was trembling.
ms brooks:"what word starts with an 'f' and ends in 'k' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
johnny: "firetruck."
the principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "put johnny in the 5th grade, i got the last 7 questions wrong!"
|
|
|
Post by stealth1039 on Oct 29, 2007 21:16:02 GMT
If you've heard all the usual "Johnny" jokes that's a really good twist, Tiger.
|
|