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Post by Bismarck on Oct 29, 2007 22:03:01 GMT
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia ." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a family who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 29, 2007 22:05:30 GMT
Warning to all dog owners : Watch your dog! Some vicious killer has been shooting dogs at random in the Valley! Dogs are being picked off one at a time, and the numbers of deaths are mounting. Police in the state advise all dog owners to "Watch your Dog". This photo came from a collie breeder in Glendale..... a killer caught in a careless moment. Regardless of what breed we have, we can't be too careful. THE KILLER
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Post by yorkshiretyke on Oct 30, 2007 14:21:14 GMT
like that one otto brill
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 30, 2007 19:39:53 GMT
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And, if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 30, 2007 19:45:04 GMT
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
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Post by gerry09 on Oct 31, 2007 11:41:22 GMT
The Glasgow, or more properly "Glesca", dialect is known to be extremely concise, as so much can be said in so few words. Consider for example, this exchange between a car-driver, and the police officer who pulled him over. Interpretation is provided inside the brackets.
Police Officer: Yaw rite? (Are you feeling ill?)
Driver: 'Maw rite. (I'm feeling exceptionally well, thank you.)
Police Officer: Yeshoor? (Are you entirely certain of that fact?)
Driver: Aye. (Yes.)
Police Officer: Zisyoors? (Are you the registered owner of this vehicle?)
Driver: Zwitmine? (Which vehicle are you referring to?)
Police Officer: Ris caur. (The automobile in which you are presently seated.)
Driver: Sibrurn laws. (Actually, it belongs to my sister's husband.)
Police Officer: Wers heeren? (Can you tell me where he can be located?)
Driver: Raboozers. (He is a guest of the local hostelry.)
Police Officer: Yebeen garglin'. (Have you partaken of any alcoholic
beverages, in the recent past?)
Driver: Jissa cupple. (I have consumed only one or two small cocktails,
prior to dinner.)
Police Officer: Yur stoatin'. (It is my considered opinion that you are
considerably under the influence of alcohol.)
Driver: Naw'mno'. (I beg to differ.)
Police Officer: Yurstoatin'. (I believe that my initial observation is correct, and
that you are being somewhat deceitful.)
Driver: Umnoe. (I swear that I am being entirely truthful.)
Police Officer: Geezyer licence. (Would you be kind enough to allow me to
inspect your drivers licence?)
Driver: Vno Goatwan. (I am not in possession of such a document.)
Police Officer: Geroot racaur. (Kindly remove yourself from the automobile.)
Driver: Whiffur? (By what legal right do you make this request?.)
Police Officer: Mapolis. (I am a member of the local constabulary.)
Driver: Ommigoad.. (I call upon the Supreme Being, witness this
moment of extreme duress.)
Police Officer: Geroot Ren. (Will you now please extricate yourself from your
position behind the steering wheel.)
Driver: Awrite, 'mcomin'. (I am proceeding to do so with all possible
speed.)
Police Officer: Blawris up. (Are you familiar with the breathalyser test?)
Driver: Mgonny Besik. (I believe that I am about to be violently ill.)
Police Officer: Noanme Yurno. (Please exercise a great deal of caution as to
the direction of your involuntary emission.)
Driver: Mawrite Noo. (Having ridden my digestive tract of an
accumulation of nausea-inducing substances, I now feel
better.)
Police Officer: Getna Paddywagon. (Please be kind enough to accept a short
ride in the humble vehicle provided for my use by the local
police.)
Driver: Wer Wigaun? (May I be so forward as to make an enquiry as to
our ultimate destination?)
Police Officer: Ra Jile. (To my headquarters, where you will be incarcerated.)
Driver: Ohmigoad, rawife'll murder me. (Once again I call upon the
Supreme Being to witness this unfortunate turn of events.
Incidentally, I must inform you that my spouse will take my
life, illegally.)
Police Officer: Getna Wagon. (May I offer you my assistance in climbing into
the back of my vehicle.)
Driver: Aw, Niveragain. Ratsit furme. (I have now learned a valuable
lesson, and I hereby declare total abstinence from all alcoholic
beverages hence forth.)
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 31, 2007 11:53:43 GMT
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now.
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Post by Lukiebakercafc on Oct 31, 2007 18:56:26 GMT
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
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Post by Lukiebakercafc on Oct 31, 2007 19:11:21 GMT
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator... 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!" 11. Meow occasionally. 12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 17. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 31, 2007 19:25:50 GMT
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
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Post by thefullback on Oct 31, 2007 20:57:47 GMT
They've just found Michael Barrymore dead with chocolate all round his arsehole. George Michael has been arrested for being careless with a whisper.
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Post by likeasharkinafunnyhat on Oct 31, 2007 20:59:35 GMT
Hahaha, amazingly funny!
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Post by Bismarck on Oct 31, 2007 22:22:10 GMT
Ways to say someone's not too bright
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
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Post by gerry09 on Nov 1, 2007 11:43:09 GMT
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and, even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to find there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
"Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"
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Post by likeasharkinafunnyhat on Nov 1, 2007 12:25:45 GMT
hahaha hilarious well done
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Post by Bismarck on Nov 1, 2007 12:31:36 GMT
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it!"
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Post by SaintTim on Nov 1, 2007 13:14:07 GMT
I feel left out as i dont know any good jokes
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Post by Bismarck on Nov 1, 2007 14:39:30 GMT
Have a look on the net Tim...
I was in ASDA the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree for my dog, and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story, and she was totally believing it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by how enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. . . . . . . . . . .
I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my bollocks when a car hit me".
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Post by Bismarck on Nov 4, 2007 14:44:58 GMT
A little boy is picked up by his estranged dad.Now the boy knows his dad will spoil him rotten.... Son:"Can we go to the seaside dad?" Dad:"Errm OK son.." At the seaside.... Son:"Dad can I have an ice-cream?" Dad:"OK son" Son:"Dad,can I have a candy-floss?" Dad:"Look son you have already had and ice-cream!" Son:"Awh dad dad dad" Dad:"OK son" Son:"Dad,can I have a burger?" Dad"Look son,you have already had an ice-cream,cardy-floss.." Son:"Awe dad dad dad" Dad:"OK son" Son:"Dad,can I have a ride in the donkey?" Dad:Son,You have had an ice cream,candy-floss,a berger..." Son:"Awe Dad....." Dad:"OK son...." Son:"Can we take the Donkey home?" Dad:"Look son,you have already had an ice-cream,candy-floss,a burger,a ride on a donkey...?" Son:"Awe dad,uncle Tony,mum's new bloke would buy the donkey for me!" Dad:OK son....I only have a small trailer,I will tie the donkey to the front and take my time going home" In the car... Son:"Dad,can we call the donkey Wanker?" Dad:"What about Jack or Neddy?" Son:"No,Wanker" Dad:"OK son" Later the dad took a corner too fast and the donkey fell off....... Son:"Dad" Dad"What now!" Son:"Wanker's off" Dad:"NOW LOOK SON....YOU HAVE HAD AN ICE-CREAM,CANDY FLOSS,A BURGER....."
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Post by stealth1039 on Nov 6, 2007 12:41:27 GMT
Loved the nun one Otto but wasn't this the ultimate in pessimism: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die?
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Post by Bismarck on Nov 7, 2007 13:24:30 GMT
One Saturday Father O'Reilly phones up an old friend and says,
"Oh father Mulligan, I am feeling a little unwell this evening as I am suffering from a chest infection. Could you perform the Sunday Services for me tomorrow?"
His friend says of course, and he'll call in on him.
"Oh no, please don't do that Father Mulligan, it's highly infectious. I have everything I need round about me, I think a day of complete quiet and repose will help me enormously, and don't tell the congregation whatever you do, or I'll be pestered all day with blooming bowls of soup!"
The two men laugh uproariously at this and Father Mulligan says it wil be a pleasure, he'll just say that our priest was called to a dear friend's bedside in England.
"Thank you Father Mulligan, you know I can't stand people fussing around me."
So the next day our wily Father O'Reilly gets up very early, changes into his golf gear and slips over unseen to the golf course!
Perfect! A whole golf course to himself, with everyone preparing to go to church. The air is lovely and fresh, the little birds are twittering in the skies and he can enjoy a morning of perfect peace. He prepares his tee.
Meanwhile St Peter and God are watching him.
"God, you are not going to allow him to get away with this surely?"
"Certainly not." whispers God. "Watch!"
Father O'Reilly hits the ball, it arcs beautifully in the sky, hurtles down and then plop! A 450 yard hole in one!!!! Not only that, but his first ever hole in one!
"How is that punishing him?" asks the astonished St Peter.
God grins, "And who is he going to tell?"
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Post by Bismarck on Nov 7, 2007 13:25:58 GMT
The Pope received a request from Bernard Matthews asking that he sanctions changing a line in the Lord's Prayer to "Give us this day our daily turkey" and if so he would donate a million to the Vatican. The Pope, naturally, refuses.
After this rebuttal Bernard Matthews raises his offer to £5 million. Again, he get's told where to go. Finally he raises his offer to £20 million. This time the Pope agrees.
At a meeting with the Cardinals the Pope announces his decision as follows:
"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is Bernard Matthews has given us £20 million
"The bad news is, we've lost the Hovis account
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Post by SaintTim on Nov 9, 2007 12:08:18 GMT
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Post by Bismarck on Nov 9, 2007 12:54:07 GMT
A woman is walking out of a grocery store with heavy bags when a handsome young grocery clerk offers to help her carry them to her car. She thanks him and they begin walking towards her car. Suddenly, the woman is seized with a desire to have sex with the young man, so she says "I have an itchy pussy". The clerk says "Sorry ma'am, I couldn't tell one those Japanese cars apart even if my life depended on it
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Post by sunnersaint on Nov 9, 2007 14:20:22 GMT
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.
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Post by Bismarck on Nov 9, 2007 14:55:07 GMT
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Post by Bismarck on Nov 9, 2007 15:05:26 GMT
Impressing Guys in the Sauna Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a 'phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman glanced around behind in and said ....
" Oh My, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax"
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Post by Wolvensam on Nov 19, 2007 18:30:08 GMT
Here you go guys, moved it out of Pre-Match Entertainment
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Post by Bismarck on Nov 19, 2007 18:46:25 GMT
Sam your a Star....
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Post by Tyler on Nov 19, 2007 21:13:00 GMT
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it!" 1993 just called and asked for it's joke back And my great aunt is called Sister Mary Thomas
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