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Post by markcunn2 on Jul 10, 2009 18:32:21 GMT
This thread is for jokes of a more adult nature. Nothing too obscene though!
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 10, 2009 18:40:34 GMT
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 10, 2009 22:30:53 GMT
At the end of Wimbledon an interviewer asks tennis legend Martina Navratalova if she thinks modern tennis stars use steroids and did she use them in her hey day ? her reply was "Suck my Dick !
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 10, 2009 22:37:40 GMT
A little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeepers heart melted. he got down on his knees so he was at her level and said "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thwoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle bwon wabbirt over there?", the little girls blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and whispered in the shopkeeper's ear " I dont eraly fink my pet pyfon gives a monkey's"
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Post by Tyler on Jul 11, 2009 10:14:58 GMT
What would it take to reunite the Jackson 5?
4 Bullets.
The FBI have raided Jacko's house. They found Class A Drugs in the living room. Class B drugs in the kitchen. And class 5c in the bedroom
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 11, 2009 12:28:24 GMT
When Paris Jackson cried during her speech at Michael Jackson's memorial, I really thought she was going to reveal their dirty secret.
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 11, 2009 12:32:07 GMT
Statistically... 9/11 Americans won't get this joke.
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 11, 2009 13:23:31 GMT
To think I've wasted all that time and effort on Kung Fu lessons, yet David Carradine can't even fight his way out of a wardrobe!
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 11, 2009 13:25:43 GMT
Father O'Connor keep chickens behind the church in a coop. One sunday he goes to feed them and notices the cock is missing. He knows there's a cock fighting in the village so at mass he questions the congregation. "Has anybody got a cock?, and all the men stand up. "No I meant has anybody seen a cock", and all the women stand up. "No no has anybody seen my cock", 16 alter boys, 2 priests and a goat stand up!!!!!
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 11, 2009 13:26:55 GMT
The MP's expenses scandal escalated last night when it was revealed that David Blunkett has claimed for a pair of binoculars, a 60" plasma TV & a motorbike....
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 11, 2009 13:46:21 GMT
Fairy Liquids new advert set in a council estate..."Mummy, why are your hands so soft?" "Because I am only 14, now shut the monkey's up and eat your Pot Noodles"
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 11, 2009 16:33:19 GMT
You're about as much use as Anne Frank's drumkit.
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 12, 2009 7:44:56 GMT
Jesus told us to love everybody.
He never said it had to be consensual.
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What do a bible and a cock have in common?
Priests try to shove both down your throat
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A clergyman was staying overnight in a hotel.
Before he went to sleep for the night, he had a read of the Bible.
He was awoken next morning by the maid, with a cup of tea.
He said to the maid, "fancy a quick shag my dear?"
The maid said, "but you're a man of the cloth, that can't be right!"
He said, "it's all right dear, it says so in the Bible!"
She hopped into bed with the reverend gentleman and they did a bit of horizontal jogging.
When it was over, the maid got out of the bed and said, "I'd like you to show me the passage in the Bible, where it says it's alright".
The vicar opened the bedside table drawer, took out the Gideon's Bible and opened the cover.
Someone had written in there, "ask the maid if she fancies a shag, she usually does!"
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 12, 2009 12:45:54 GMT
The other day my girlfriend wanted a rape alarm, so at 6:45am this morning I put tape over her mouth and I monkey'sed her up the arse and when I finished I whispered in her ear time to get up for work darling....
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 12, 2009 12:46:59 GMT
Woman goes to antiques road show puts a tampon on the table and says there you are clever cunt, tell me what period thats from...
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Post by JoeLatics on Jul 12, 2009 15:30:34 GMT
The Jackson 5 are having a reunion... 20% reduction  |
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 12, 2009 17:06:59 GMT
Dave gets home from working a nightshift and decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex. He climbs under the bottom of the duvet, gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy until she quivers and cums in his face. He goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there, shaving her legs... "WHAT THE monkey's ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!?!" he yells. "Shhh!" says his wife, "you'll wake your mother!"  |
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Post by Tyler on Jul 12, 2009 17:13:41 GMT
Why doesn't Jack Waterhouse like going to school?
His teacher does his head in.
Hi i'm Jack Waterhouse.
I was in class the other day and i was trying to remember the chemical name for "lead".
And then it suddenly hit me.
When watching Michael Jackson's coffin being pushed away by the Jackson Brothers, was anybody else reminded of those two words...
Cool Runnings.
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 12, 2009 17:19:04 GMT
Eric & Tim are having gay sex "I have AIDS" says Eric, "What!!?!?" says Tim. "I don't really" says Eric "I just like the way your arse tightens when I say it!"
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Post by Tyler on Jul 12, 2009 17:28:19 GMT
Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith.
What with Lewis Hamilton winning the F1 world championship, Barack Obama being president of the USA, Will Smith being the world's highest paid actor and Tiger Woods being the world's best golfer, it has never been cooler to be black.
Poor old Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.
All these people saying "Well yes Michael slept with kids, but he was a great singer" make me sick. You don't see them talking about how good a caretaker Ian Huntley was!
NEWS FLASH: Unofficial reports that Pop is dead!
The world's thoughts are with Snap and Crackle at this tough time.
If Amy Winehouse dies this year, we will have lost the Goody, the bad and the damn monkey'sing ugly.
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 12, 2009 19:00:56 GMT
Josef Fritzl: putting the 'semen' back into 'basement'.
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 12, 2009 19:05:15 GMT
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
Gary Glitter's cock while he's doing it.
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 12, 2009 19:13:11 GMT
Did you? Didn't see, sorry, haha!
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Post by hallmackem on Jul 12, 2009 19:16:02 GMT
A man walks into a bar, the barman is a gent of African origin. The punter says "A pint of bitter please, nigger".
The barman hits the roof and tells the punter to swap places and to see how he likes it.
So he walks round to the other side of the bar and says "A pint of bitter please, honkey".
The punter replies "Sorry, we don't serve niggers in here".
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Post by lemonpiper on Jul 12, 2009 19:24:59 GMT
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes lolly pop...but at the bar........you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your monkey'sing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your mothermonkey'sing snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't monkey'sing going anywhere. Got it, Ass hole!'
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 15, 2009 19:12:11 GMT
Gary Glitter has bought 100 cases of Glenfiddich scotch today after the shop assistant mentioned it was a cheeky little twelve year old that goes down well....
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 15, 2009 19:17:31 GMT
In an effort 2 get rid of bird flu the Irish air force has today bombed the Canary Islands.
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Post by Mark Cunningham on Jul 16, 2009 20:07:46 GMT
What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
What's the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 17, 2009 10:07:01 GMT
Stevie Wonders mate's call round on xmas day..give him a few presents & monkey's off into the kitchen for a few bevvy's & a turkey butty!
After an hour they decide to check on him...he has opened a present & it's a cheesegrater & he's frantically rubbing it "monkey'sin hell" one of his mates says "who the monkey's bought him that"? no one owns up so they go up to Stevie & ask is he OK?...."yeah"! says Stevie " but this book is so monkey'sin violent I can't put it down"!
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Post by arover on Jul 17, 2009 10:24:40 GMT
What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
That's just monkey'sing wrong.
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