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Post by Bismarck on Jul 25, 2009 22:49:36 GMT
The word 'Tsunami' is not in my phone's predictive text dictionary.
So if you ever get a text from me saying,
'Trumang!!!',
get the monkey's off the beach.
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 25, 2009 22:54:34 GMT
Kids have got it easy today. When I was a lad, we'd never heard of paedophiles, so we had to buy our own monkey'sing sweets!
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 26, 2009 3:05:04 GMT
I just wanked myself into oblivion. The staff at Alton Towers are monkey'sing furious.
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Post by Bismarck on Jul 26, 2009 3:07:55 GMT
Carlsberg don’t do Alzheimer’s.
Just exceedingly good cakes.
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 6, 2009 11:54:24 GMT
Man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, whats your name, "Carmen, i changed it to coincide with my love for cars and men, And your name?" , Beercunt
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Post by lemonpiper on Aug 6, 2009 16:13:25 GMT
LOL!
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 28, 2009 19:39:52 GMT
Man walks into chip shop. "Hey why did you sack my son"?
Owner replies, "Because he had the potato peeler stuck up his arse".
Man, "Show me this potato peeler".
Owner, "Can't - I sacked him too".
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 28, 2009 19:52:49 GMT
Three dogs sitting in the Vets Surgery a Staffy, a Doberman and an Irish Wolfhound. Wolfy looks at the other two and see,s they look glum, "Looks like you two are for the Big Needle them!".
Staffy says "Yeah, chewed the legs off a copper trying to pull my Boss, bad move on my part I reckon".
Doberman says, "Had a go at a kid, made a bit of a mess, and now I,m in one, Lifes a bitch."
They look at Wolfy, "What about you mate?"
Wolfy says, "Saw the Mrs Boss on her chips and peas looking for something under the dresser, Kilt up over her arse, no drawers on, both stars winking at me, well you can guess the rest".
"Needle then". says Staffy.
"Oh no!, says Wolfy nonchalantly, "I just gotta have my claws clipped, Tarra!"
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Post by Tyler on Aug 28, 2009 19:53:52 GMT
I was lying naked on the bed yesterday when my son walked in. "Daddy", he said, "What's that huge, fleshy thing between your legs"?
"Oh, that?" I replied... "That son, is your mother."
The other day I saw a magic beanstalk, so I decided to climb it. As I went up, I saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf.
She said "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
Without thinking, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw wasn't bad. I mean, you would do her, but you wouldn't brag about it.
She too beckoned to me saying "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
So again, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw was beautiful, I mean, really really hot.
She said "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
I could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.
I was so outraged I said "Who the monkey's are you!".
He replied "I'm Cess."
My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.
So I've killed his mum.
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Post by Bismarck on Aug 28, 2009 20:01:27 GMT
A couple of good ones there...like the Cess one.
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